50 Days Alcohol Free...Again

50 days alcohol free today.  Again.  This is the second time I've made it this far.  I wrote about it last time too.  Have a look: 50 Days Alcohol Free. Things seem so different now.  Also that post was long, and this won't be.

Re-reading that blog, you can see me talking about drinking again.  I knew it was going to happen.  It was my hope that I would change my behaviour, be able to handle situations better and moderate my drinking. It's strange seeing all that hope I had, and knowing how it came to nothing.   Anyone that has been following my blog since then will know I did drink again, I did go back to the same behaviours, I broke. 

I have a drinking problem.  I can admit that now.  I was still in some form of denial last time.   This time, I don't know whether I will ever have a drink again.  The end point is still in my mind.  Will I want a drink then? Will I stay sober?  What's going to happen to me?  The best thing to do is not think about it.  Don't think that far ahead.  One day at a time.

Sobriety and recovery is a journey.  It doesn't happen overnight...as with anything.  It's hard.  It's climbing up a mountain, not knowing if you can make it to the top, if you'll ever see the other side.  But it's also knowing that when you get to the top, the views will be so much brighter, life will be better.  Or so they say.

It does not stop me being anxious.  I am forever searching for an answer.  Why do I drink?  What is wrong with my head?  Why do I think this way? Why do I behave this way? Why do I feel like this?  Or more often than not, feel nothing at all?

Which brings me to tomorrow....on day 51 alcohol free I'll be sitting in tiny room in Dunstable having a mental health assessment.  Something I have been asking for for so long is finally happening and I am bricking it.  I suppose that's natural. It's good to be scared. Just have to see what happens.   I'm sure I will tell you all about it.

The next big day for me will be day 69.  Day 68 was my longest stint last year. Day 69. Saturday 22nd September.  Here we go...

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