Six Months...
My immediate reaction towards the end of each year is to think what an awful year
this has been. 2018 was no different. The year started out
terribly. I was in a bad place mentally. My drinking was
out of control. I was a mess. I do not want to dwell too much on the bad
that happened, the mess I was in, or what happened to all my goals. It’s all
written in black and white in this very blog anyway.
You’ll remember from my Road to Recovery post that even
after asking for help, it still took a while to finally stop. Eventually I’d had
enough of being a dick and 15th July 2018 I had my last drink.
Looking back at that post I can see how much I was
struggling. I was in a dark place and couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t
see myself moving forward, I couldn’t see the tomorrow. I was tired. I wanted
it all to end. It’s scary remembering
those thoughts.
Now….I’m getting there. It’s January and I will
use this time of year – as many do all over the world – to refocus and think
about what I want to achieve this coming year.
I can actually plan for the weeks and months ahead. I can see a future that isn't just darkness and shadows.
I’m sleeping through the night which has not happened for
years. I’m still on antidepressants. I still forget
to take them. Which sends me loopy. I still have my
“episodes” and dark thoughts, but these are no longer daily. My most
recent episode was last week, which only lasted a couple of hours. Prior
to this it was at the end of November (although that lasted much longer). The November episode happened at the recovery
place (it was happening all day, but I still went there on the bus –looked
a state, I can tell you). I saw the
Doctor that day who because of that episode wrote to my GP. I
saw the GP last week – a different doctor this time who is more suitable - he
seems to get it. He understands. He’s referred me to some new
mental health place. There’s a waiting list, but things are looking up.
I had a recovery meeting last Tuesday and we had such a
positive discussion, my keyworker asked if I still felt I needed to come to the
sessions. Of course this put me in immediate panic mode. I
may be getting there and my head is in a much better place than it’s ever been
before, but I still need help.
I’m working hard to find out and understand my triggers and
am working on my reactions to situations. Crazy Jen is still hanging around. She’ll
probably always be there, but I’m hopeful she’ll sleep soon for a long time.
I’m now heading into 2019 with new goals, new plans, and a
new focus…and today, I am six months sober.
On that day on 15th July 2018, I could not even see six
months into the future. Now I’m there. I'm here. I’m sober. I did it!
This is not the end though. What will the next
six months bring?
I do have some grand plans again for 2019. I
wouldn’t be Jen if I didn’t have a huge running or cycling goal. However
I actually believe I can achieve these (without breaking myself) this year and
will write separately about these as it’s all quite exciting (for me anyway). I will be utilising this blog again together
with my Instagram and Twitter to document my training and bore you all with details concerning thresholds, zones and power - I know. This doesn't mean much to me either, but I'm learning.
I've also made some particular life goals and experiences - together with some friends we are planning various adventures. Watch this space!
Another goal is to keep on top of this blog. I’m
writing some posts about last year's October challenges – I was so broken
after Snowdonia, I couldn’t face looking back at it again, but I think I can
now. Plus it’s just annoying that it’s
not up to date. I like things to be
right.
I will also continue to write about recovery, sobriety and my
mental health. Writing down my issues, experiences and what I’m up
to helps me. It’s an open diary for
me. But if you’re reading this and it
helps you in any way – then this is an added bonus.
Six months sober.
Who would have thought it?
2019. Here we go...
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