Broken

This post is partly about running, mostly about my head.  I’m in a hole. The same hole.  I’ve said previously that perhaps I find this hole comfortable which is why I cannot get out of it.  I know this isn’t true, but I seem to be digging myself deeper and deeper and I’m getting worse. I’ve broken.

Running is forever a struggle.  As is exercise in general.  Anyone who follows me on my Instagram or Twitter or who knows me will know I’ve dropped down to the half marathon at Milton Keynes. I’m still an ambassador for the event.  It's an event I enjoy.  That’s that.  I wrote a blog for the running club about some of the reasons why (injury, illness, etc etc), what happened to my big plan for the marathon and my new plans now.  Have a read here: MK Marathon Ambassador (Part Two). You can also read part one here: MK Marathon Ambassador.

I have spent a lot of time recently looking at my running stats.  There’s not a lot. I’m not a great runner, but I have some handy info from Garmin so I can compare myself to myself. I mention it briefly in the club blog, but this is what I’ve done:

2015

Year total: 401.44km

First Four Months - 32.79km

Three months training for first half - 163.85km

2016

Year total: 422.08km

First Four Months - 191.36km (0 in January!)

- training for first marathon

2017

Year total: 717.39km

First Four Months - 148.31km

Three months training for Snowdonia Marathon - 298.92km

2018

Year so far: 149.63km

If I can sort myself out in the next two weeks I can make the Milton Keynes Half Marathon and be all right.  It won’t be a PB or anything, but I can make it round and enjoy it. Then carry on so I can do some “proper training” for Ride London, Loch Ness and Snowdonia.  I know I can do these things.  I’ve completed Ride London before.  I’ve run two marathons before.  Not all in one year though.  I can do it.  I just have to sort myself out.

How do I do that?  I don’t know.

I was marshalling at the London Marathon on Sunday.  A fantastic experience.  I love seeing people running, achieving their goals.  It’s a fantastic achievement for everyone. I saw people I knew, got some sweaty hugs, it was amazing.

There were some members of the running club running their first ever marathons on Sunday.  I’ve followed them on their journeys, their training.  They were so determined to make it to the marathon and complete it, they completed all their training sessions, as gruelling and tiring as they may be. Incredible humans!

My running best friend, CK, has also recently completed her first ever marathon at the Brighton Marathon. What a story she has.  It’s not my story to tell, but she is one of the strongest people I know.  She’s been to hell and back, but again made it to that start line and ran a marathon. A bloody marathon!  She is such an inspiration to me.  Well done, girl.

To see the joy within these people is amazing.  I remember that joy.  On the coach back from London, someone was asking me about the Snowdonia Marathon, how it was.  Of course I couldn’t shut up about it.  I realised that was the happiest I’d ever been. On that day.  Running the marathon.  Not even when it was over. During. It is such an incredible course. An incredible experience.  It’s gruelling, it’s tough, and it’s wonderful.  I want to be back there. That happy.

I’ve not been that happy again and I don’t know why.  I’ve had months of injury, illness and ill-advised drinking. You’d think the answer is simple – just run.

Part of me thinks maybe that was it.  Snowdonia Marathon 2017 was all I spoke about for two years. I was raising money for charity, I wasn’t drinking, I was running for my dad.  It was all so positive.  Now that’s over and I’m just running for myself.  That’s not something I’m good at. I don’t like myself.  Why would I want to do anything good for myself?

Maybe 2017 was supposed to be my greatest year.  Ending with Snowdonia.  And then I’m not supposed to go any further.  This is it.  I’m done.

Walking to work last week, a lorry was coming towards me. Don’t normally get lorries down this road.  As it was getting closer I had a bad thought.  The worst thought.  Jump. I got very drunk that night to forget that thought.  Forget who I am.

The drinking is at its worst again.  I don’t know who I am any more.  Maybe I never did.  I’ve got people judging me.  I’m upsetting others.  I’m doing everything wrong.  And I don’t remember it.  I don’t want to remember it really.  Getting black out drunk is not ideal, however.  I fell over again.  Hurt my ankle.  Cut up my knee.  Hit my head. I don’t remember.

I’ve two choices right now.

1. Stop being a dick – stop the drinking, get back running, exercising, everything.  Find my happy again.

2. Give up.  Keep drinking.  Lose.

Giving up is the easy option.  I can’t do that.   I need to run.  I need to fight.  I just don’t think I’ve got any fight left in me.

Perhaps I should stop making plans. Just do something. This time last year I was going to regular gym classes, having swimming lessons, I'd joined the club at the end of February and was running every Tuesday without fail. I've not done any of that this year. I'm really good at making plans. I always know what needs to be done. I just can't get myself to do it. So the new plan, is to have no plan. To have fun. That's it.

I have joined another club. I'm now part of a tri club. I'm still in the running club, obviously. My loves. The tri club is to help with my cycling. When I joined they were starting these beginners swim technique sessions. I'm doing that. Why not? I'm going swimming tonight on my own. I will have my trusty kickboard with me in case I think I'm going to drown, but hopefully I won't use it (as much). I'll enjoy it.

If my ankles allow, I'll do the Aldbury 5 this weekend. I did this last year (Aldbury Cross Country Challenge). I'll enjoy that. And I'll get to the MK Half on Bank Holiday Monday. I will enjoy it.

I said above. I know I can do it. I've done it before. I know I can stop drinking. I've done that before. It's holding on to that and carrying on. I have a lot of support. Masses in fact. JB, my friends, my family, members of the club. All of them are so wonderful to me, even when I'm being a dick.

I need to choose option 1. Here we go...